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I have the answer.
You don’t know what you are talking about.
Do this. Wait, do this other thing.
I can feel panic setting in.
Panic stemming from fear of the unknown.
Panic stemming from being unable to control.
Panic stemming from kicking my past self for being a well-intentioned idiot who made short-term decisions with consequences that are coming due now.
Clashes and flashes.
No tempers. No. This is me digging in, deploying unmovable disregard for people needing me to admit defeat and ask for help.
I don’t know what I don’t know. That’s a load of crap. I know everything. Can predict everything.
Everyone else doesn’t know what they are doing. They need me to tell them.
I am infallible. I am the only one who knows what’s right.
I invest time building an infallible perception, beating the belief into everyone around me.
It’s a stake to the heart that I’m not perfect.
When faced with I don’t know what I don’t know, when I’m backed into a corner where I have to ask for help, I can’t.
If I do, the belief in my infallibility and all the benefits that come with it, will crumble.
I can’t fix it alone yet I’ve told everyone that I’m the only one who can fix it.
I’m stone-faced as I watch her.
She who embraces her openly flawed self.
Her failures are on display for everyone to see, she points them out, talks about them, as much as I talk about my accomplishments.
She asks for help. From people above her and people who report into her. She says I don’t know what I’m doing with a smile. Shrugs and says she’ll figure it out.
She’s not infallible.
Everyone has lost their damn minds.
I am smart. I am humble.
I’m watching the false front I spent years crafting, melt away like sugar over absinthe (I like that image).
Drip by drip, it’s out of my control. I can’t escape my failures.
The failures I deny. The failures I make excuses for.
The consequences are coming due now.
I’m losing my damn mind.
